I’ve had breast cancer twice now. In 2016, I had a lumpectomy and radiation. The radiation really did a number on me physically. Then, in 2019, I was diagnosed with it again and I had a double mastectomy. There were complications with the implants, so I had to have each of those removed. The last one was removed right before everything shut down for the pandemic. In the midst of that final removal, my youngest tried to overdose on Benedryl and was in a psych hospital for a month. 2020 sucked ass.
Physically and mentally, cancer has drastically changed me. I have a lot of limitations now – I get fevers every night and feel as though I’m on the verge of getting the flu. This, obviously, sucks. I have had almost every blood test known to man, but all that shows up are lots of inflammation markers. I was tested for everything from HIV to tuberculosis. The only thing that came back elevated was a lupus test, but when they ran the other tests for lups, they were all negative. No one can figure out what’s wrong with me, but something is wrong.
It’s exhausting feeling shitty all the time. The doctors I see, my GP, my oncologist, and my immunologist, all shrug and say “We don’t know what’s wrong with you.” They believe me, but they don’t know how to fix it. I just want to feel better. I don’t need to feel like a million bucks, but it would be nice to maybe feel better than a ripped up dollar bill.
Also, having had cancer twice makes me feel like someone is walking around behind me with a gun to the back of my head. Maybe the trigger will get pulled, maybe it won’t. I try not to obsess over it, I try not to think about it all the time, but it’s difficult.
All of the surgeries and treatments for breast cancer have left my body a mess in a bunch of different ways. I have a labral tear in my shoulder, possibly from the first surgery and how they positioned me. The skin on the left side of my chest has radiation issues and there is a lot of scar tissue that’s adhered to my chest wall. That causes a lot of intermittent pain – pain that causes me to clutch at my chest, which always makes people think I’m having a heart attack. No, sorry, just scar pain. The scarring and adhesions have caused my left shoulder to get pulled forward, which has messed up my neck and upper shoulders, so I’m now doing PT for that.
I wish I had someone to talk to about all of these issues. My therapist isn’t much help with them (or with much of anything, but that’s another story), and when I tried going to a support group, I didn’t get a lot out of it. When I try to talk to anyone in my family about it, they change the subject. I get it – no one wants to hear that their mother/sister/daughter has some serious health issues, but it also makes me feel very isolated. I wish I had someone who cared.
InkyFingers 